Fear of Confrontation
I nervously sat at my computer this morning trying to muster up the strength to open an email response I had received to a long letter I had sent to a couple of people very close to me. These two are atheist/agnostic and are far from God and in need of a bold dose of the gospel. I was scared to open the email and thus see how my letter had been received. As I sat there, in fear, I became very convicted (yet again) of my serious struggle to confront people with the truth.
Why am I afraid to confront people? It is one of my greatest weaknesses, and I hate it. As a pastor in our church, confrontation will only continue to increase as I am called to stand faithfully on doctrinal issues, or face down those in the church who are brining disunity, or when it’s time to confront or even discipline a church member for a moral failure. Yet, I struggle with it as much today as I did ten years ago.
I think the fear of confrontation masks itself in false pretenses that make it sound like a noble, honorable trait, when it reality it’s a weakness born in idolatry. Let me explain.
When I am afraid to confront someone, a voice inside me says, “You will hurt them if you do this…it’s better to keep the peace…you will damage your ability to minister to them…love them into the kingdom…, etc., etc.” Yet, this is foolishness. It’s arrogant and self-centered, it’s idolatrous self-preservation, it’s me trying to sit on the throne of my own heart in a position of comfort and pride.
The Holy Spirit says in Hebrews 13:5: Keep you life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear, what can man do to me?” The spiritual principle of contentment is so key here. I’ve not struggle much of late with the love of money (although it’s an ever-present battle in the life of every American), but other loves have kept me from being content. I think the non-confrontationalist aims for contentment but finds none because his contentment sits on a faulty foundation, namely the lack of conflict. Just as the lover of money thinks more material possessions will bring contentment, so too the one who is afraid to confront others thinks avoidance of conflict will make him, and others, content; but it’s not true.
Whenever our contentment is resting on anything other than Christ we are idolators. Idolatrous contentment is driven by fear. We are afraid we will go without, so we accumulate money. We are afraid someone won’t like us so we avoid confronting that person directly about their sin. But for the one who finds their contentment in Christ, fear is no longer in control: “…I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
Another passage is helpful here. 1 John 4:18 says that there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. When fear enters the picture, you can almost be assured “self-love” is at hand; when perfect love (the love from, through, and to Christ) takes over it enables us to no longer fear and thus release our resources over to God, or speak the truth in love to the one who needs to hear it.
If I truly love Christ then I will truly love sound doctrine, I will love the church, I will love His people, and I will love the lost. Perfect love requires that I boldly stand up for Truth. If I say I love Christ but fail to confront false doctrine, disunity in the church, His wayward children, and those who need the gospel, I become an idolator who loves himself and his comfort more than the Truth.
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